So, I think I have a case of Post Partum Anxiety. I developed PPD after the birth of our angel, so I'm more susceptible to these issues. But it seems to be getting worse.
It's as though I can't be away from the boys for any length of time. Jordan and I went grocery shopping and Christmas shopping last Sunday for about two hours. I was okay at first, but after an hour, my heart just started racing - I HAD to get home. I wasw able to hold it in until the ride home, but after that I just had to tell Jordan.
Last night, I ran to the grocery store, which is literally three minutes from my house. I left the house at 6:08 and was back in my car to head home at 6:25 - that's how quick it was. As soon as I pulled into the parking lot and parked my car, I had a panic attack. My heart started racing, my stomach turned - why was I away from the boys? What if something was wrong?
I just get these nagging feelings that if I don't take advantage of every moment with the boys, I will never get the chance again. If I don't sit in Gav's bed and read with him in the morning, I will never be able to do it again. If I lay Mason down to take a nap instead of holding him, I won't get to hold him again. I know I will never get this day back. Even now, my stomach is in knots over not holding Mason or playing with Gav - even though they are perfectly happy. Mason is swinging and falling asleep and Gavin is eating a banana and watching his morning Barney episode. So why do I feel so sick to my stomach?
I don't know what is wrong with me. But work on Monday is going to be horrific. I burst into tears thinking about it.
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